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Tonight I have a big schmooze dinner at the UofU to kick off the semester. But all I can think about is how glad I am that my Blueberry bump is not really showing.

I have several professors interested in me being their research assistant and I have been even considered to manage a class of 600 undergrad students. But I worry that my bump would derail all that by putting into question my committment and my ambition. The fact is that MAcc programs are extremely competitive. It is all about getting the best internship and the best job. However, I won’t be doing an internship and I won’t be starting a job. I will be nursing and changing diapers.

I dont see myself being sidelined in classes as that is all about hard work and results. But how about the social and professional setting? Why would my peers, professors, or hiring scouts want to waste time with the bump? Worst of all, I am not sure I would act differently myself if the tables were turned. What kind of a resource or networking connection is a pregnant woman who most likely will not enter the workforce for years to come?

Is it pathetic that I want my collegues to respect me and take me seriously at the cost celebrating my womanhood? I find myself going back and forth between wanting my stomach to show like I am 9 months along with twins and looking annorexic. Clearly the swings coincide with my momentary priority ladder and my pride. Am I an awful human being? Am I already an awful mother?

Or is it that I am just fighting myself because I know deep down that the only one that matters is the Blueberry and the careerwoman inside me is refusing this shift in professional committment and ambition? But it is so much easier to blame the society and its twisted perspectives…

Clearly, in a few more weeks, this discussion will be moot.

Still, yesterday I chose to blow my monthly personal $$$ on an a sexy red Banana Republic dress to wear tonight. Nothing mommy about it

And that is why I am pondering the state of my conscience (with a bowl of gummy bears).





One Response to “Ponderings…”

  1. Laurie Says:

    Forget it, this comment was getting way too long. Go check your e-mail.


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